Charm City Tales : Finding what I want in a partner through dating.

I went through a break-up about 4–5 months ago. I went through a lot during this period, asking myself about who I am as a person and who do I want to be. It’s been awhile since I’ve dated so coming back to the scene now in a more mature manner, a lot of what I want compared to my early 20s has changed.

I want us to be attracted to each other.

It took me 2 months and I thought maybe I can go on a first date. We talked, had drinks on the harbour but in my mind something was telling me I am not attracted to her. I needed to understand what I was attracted too and what did I find appealing physically. I would always love to get to know a girls personality, see if it clicks with my mine, and see if she makes me laugh but I don’t feel my heart. I don’t want to sleep with her, I know that, and I shouldn’t pursue her. Maybe she felt the same way because we didn’t do a second date again. I learned that I am not desperate to find any partner or sleep with someone. I can be patient.

Being in the city, you meet a lot of women from a variety of countries and places. I noticed that sometimes I find some women absolutely gorgeous and my heart starts pounding like I’m nervous. At the climbing gym, some of these women are really fit and it kind of motivates me to climb harder so I can impress them if they catch a glimpse or look at me, just trying to look hot and show off my body. These women are intimidating to me, some are more muscular than me but I kind of like it. It’s more nerve-wrecking the PhD to be honest. The more intimidated I feel the more I know that’s a woman I want to say hello and get to know them.

I do want her to be physically attracted to me too and feel have her butterflies in the stomach or some sort of effect. Lately, I’ve been changing my clothes, food, workout routine, confidence in myself, smiling more, and looking clean all the time. I figured if I just look cool in the city maybe some of them to approach me too, which has been working. The women that have been a little more assertive I’ve appreciated and the ones that I find really attractive I end up being a little shy in talking about myself when they ask. I like talking about them more.

I think that is a lesson I needed to learn where rather than think with my brain during dating, it’s sometimes just better to go with the heart. It feels more free. I think I’ll always follow my heart, it won’t lie to me.

I want us to both want kids and understand the responsibility.

I met a women online through a dating app and we decided to get drinks after work one spontaneous afternoon. About 30 minutes into the date, she mentioned she didn’t want to have kids. I didn’t realize what actually meant to me. Later one of my undergraduates was saying

“Sul, why are you still talking to her, the first thing you mentioned to me was you want kids you and her will never click”.

My dream in life is to have a wife and kids. When I was younger, this line really didn’t affect me because that is not something you are thinking about. Now that I know that is something I want, it has become the base filtering question for me now at my age. I thought about this and that is something I do have to accept. If I want this type of relationship then I do not to waste each other’s time. Having kids is something I think she would need to be passionate about and that’s something I think I am passionate about as well.

In my passion, I feel like I have become a little more dad-like, dare I say it. I have lot more younger folk in my life recently and I’ve been teaching them how to cook, clean, talk about relationship problems, friendships etc. It reminds me of how I used to be back when I was in college. I don’t yell at anyone and I think if I set a good example a lot of the guys would follow after me. I have made some mistakes and the kids copy fast. For example, I was leaving the house and I put a piece of trash in a slot in the table outside. Kid saw it and emptied his car of trash there. I cleaned that up but I learned I am responsible because he watched me. I cook and clean a lot (maybe not folding clothes) and take care of others, especially younger folk, they need more guidance. I do think that requires some emotional intelligence on some level a woman that has that mindset is something I do want. She would have to handle her career and family life as much as I do because it will be a team effort. I know that not having an active partner in a marriage with kids can be detrimental and not a happy life. I want to know she is responsible to some degree and I will be as well in return.

I want us to be fun and serious when the time calls for it.

I do have two sides to myself: a fun side and a more serious one. At work, I have been taking it a lot more seriously than I did previously. My clothes have changed, my demeanor, my decorum because it is a serious and we should act appropriately.

I learned a lot from my female co-workers about how tough and serious they are. Mentally, I’m in a lot of awe of them and when we are serious together it feels like a team. In my past relationships it never felt like we could be serious together and that’s something I am truly understanding.

My fun side is pretty goofy or aloof, I like to be ignorant and just have fun with people, shoot the shit, and come up with stupid things to do to land us in ridiculous situations. A lot of time my life oscillates between the two and a woman that I’ll be with would probably need to understand that. Some part of me has forgotten some of my fun sides and I honestly miss it.

I went drinking with a friend’s daughter one night, and after about 7 rounds we pop out the bar for a cigarette. She lights the filter end and puts the cigarette backwards in her mouth and starts trying to smoke. She also fell flat on to the concrete but I had a good time. She wanted to chat at the bar, she wanted to hang out and just do stuff.

I met a woman in the line at the coffee shop and we chatted briefly, she was funny and I found her just down right beautiful, and my heart was fluttering. It’s been a month or since I had the feeling and I felt really alive. A couple of weeks later I went to go ask her out. When I approached her, she was in a meeting with her earphones and looked pretty serious. She looked up, smiled and tapped on the chair next to me to sit, rolled her eyes about the meeting. I found her demeanor to be just cool.

The interactions I have with the women who know when to take themselves seriously and when to have fun. I need that too. I don’t want to have fun with my wife and kids but be serious with them too. It helps to have someone who also likes to just play sometimes.

Alright, I’ll take a break and head out. Never know when love might hit.